Depression - will you know it when you see it?

Michael Phelps, the Olympic gold medalist, announced he recently dealt with severe depression at the peak of his athletic career. His story is statistically very common, but similar accounts of severe unhappiness are often not widely reported in the media.  However, more information is coming out in the press about mental health/illness and the stigma surrounding it appears to be changing.  You may know someone who suffers from a mental illness but you could possibly be missing the signs in your friends or family. One of the most common illnesses is depression.

This lack of attention by those closest can be dangerous for the person who has the disease of depression.  If you don’t now what to look for and your loved one has not been to a doctor recently, they may be severely impaired without anyone being aware.  Problems they may be going through could range from minor (lack of energy) to the extremely dangerous (suicide threats or actions).  Below are critical indicators to look for in your important relationships.

Watch your unhappy / sad / emotional friend for:
• a lack of interest in their normal passions
• low energy
• withdrawal from social situations
• poor sleep or appetite
• hopelessness / helplessness / apathy
• frequent mood fluctuations
• comments about death or dying
• excessive anger
• self-harm

If several of these signs are present, talk to that person and encourage them to see a doctor.  If there are threats of harm to themselves, go to the ER as soon as possible with them. They may not go without your help and others may not take their threats seriously.  People who are depressed cannot make good decisions and often do not see how badly they are doing.  People who attempt or actually do commit suicide do not think of the repercussions for their family and friends. They are too unhappy to think clearly. It is important that you encourage them to get help.

Finally, take your gut instincts or intuition about this person seriously. Trust that you know this person well and you may be the only one who convinces them to see a doctor or go to the ER.

Surfing and Relationships

Recently, on a weeklong surfing trip with my family, I was waiting on my board in the water and had a thought about some important concepts that we should all pay attention to in our personal relationships. Surfing gives you many opportunities to sit on your board and think. I realized that the repetitive waves are similar to our many interactions with the people in our lives.

First is the idea that every wave, or interaction, is not perfect or predictable. Such is the nature of our interactions with the people that we care about. There are many of these moments and some will be great and make you feel good about yourself. Many of your conversations or interactions will be not be so great and may leave you questioning yourself a bit and your skills as a friend, lover, etc. Waves are also unpredictable like that. All you can do is try to do the best you can to make that interaction better next time. Keep in mind that there are infinitely more opportunities, like waves, that will present themselves.

Second is the concept that interactions, like waves, are varied and hard to predict. They may be minor and easy to weather or more powerful and meaningful over time. Those big and important conversations you have with a friend or partner often can turn anxiety-filled or unmanageable, if you have an issue that has not been resolved with the other party or within yourself. It is best to focus on the moment and calm yourself down. Rely on your skills and experience to get through the chaos. Surfing is like that also.

Lastly, remember to really focus on mainly the big interactions, or waves, that come along, since these can cause much happiness or do much damage, and you need to be prepared. Conversely, many small interactions can turn out to be good for you and should also be addressed to the best of your abilities. What may look like an insignificant interaction could turn out to be very meaningful for you. Waves are like interactions, remember?

As in interpersonal relationships, it is hard to see too far out in the ocean, or the future, so try to focus on the interaction, or wave, in front of you. No telling when the big and meaningful one will come along.

Spring Cleaning - time to clean out "your issues"?

Now that its warmer outside, and people start cleaning their homes, it’s a good time to clean out your own “stuff”. Your issues. Maybe you’re still struggling with the same stuff you had after the last time you cleaned. Have you tried but not succeeded in throwing out or changing the stuff that burdens you? It’s not old clothes that are the problem.

Take stock of what you like and don’t like about yourself and your life. Make an honest and critical assessment of this stuff and decide what you really need to work on. What stuff holds value for you? What stuff is really not crucial and can be gotten rid of?

As they say, “don’t sweat the small stuff”. But it’s actually NOT all small stuff. Focus on the big stuff! The important things. Look objectively at those difficult challenges and decide if they are actually meaningful and important.

Some stuff may be out of your control. Accept that stuff, learn to live with it, and move on with your life. Look ahead, not back.

How many of those stuff-related problems are YOU causing? Own that stuff and do something about it. Don’t blame others for your own actions. Take responsibility.

How much stuff is from other people? Maybe you should move on from those stuff-creators. Or address that in counseling. Maybe confront that person directly. Whatever works for you.

This stuff will not clean itself up. Inaction is your enemy. Get help if you need it. You can do it, but do it now. Clean out your stuff!

Becker Counseling is here if you want to start cleaning out your stuff.  Call us at 732.406.4422.

“Keyboard Muscles”

Ever typed something you wish you hadn’t? Have you posted anything online you later regretted? Have your online posts hurt you in any way? Has it caused a problem with a friend or family member? It certainly affected my online presence for quite a while.

Social media usage during the recent presidential campaign is a good example of poor online behavior. Opinions online were more strongly worded, hateful talk was common and people were extremely polarized. Of course, President Trump seemed to bring out the worst in people, no matter their party affiliation or political beliefs. Many of us looked forward to the end of the race, regardless of who won.

Facebook especially was a very negative place and I stopped looking at it after a few months of others displaying their anger and extreme negativity. Many of their messages on social media were surprisingly dramatic and full of bad vibes. It seems to me that many of them had not considered carefully what they wrote. Some of my friends’ online presence was different from the real-life people I know. I was disappointed at times when the online and actual personas were not so alike.

It is OK to have an opinion, but remember that it looks much different online. People you know will probably not tell you when you look foolish, but a strong opinion of negativity or hate may be remembered a long time. You may feel powerful in a detached way, but it can backfire. Beware of your online postings!

Check out my website at https://www.beckercounseling.com/. 

Relationship Triangles

I recently attended a conference on this topic at the Rutgers School of Social Work and found it very helpful. This topic is always relevant to relationships.

When you are in a relationship or a marriage and there is someone else (any third party) involved in a negative way, that is called a “triangle”. A famous therapist, Murray Bowen, created this term many years ago and it is still relevant today.

Triangles are a part of human relationships and can sometimes serve a positive purpose: they may reduce anxiety and stabilize the couple “system”, for a time. But ultimately this 3rd person takes the focus of the couple off of each other and hurts their relationship by doing so. For instance, you and your partner are having problems, which results in tension, anger or anxiety. To calm these emotions, a third person is “triangled” into the relationship.

Maybe your mother-in-law is contacted by your husband and the problem is discussed with her. She is now part of the “emotional system” and has taken pressure off him by being added into the “anxious” system. Most likely, her own tension increases because she is now aware of the issues (or always has been) and feels bad about it.  His mother may feel powerless to help or hesitant to be involved due to past attempts to help that were not well-received.  Perhaps she favors your husband over you or there is a partnership between them that typically works against you. Triangling her in makes him feel better and probably makes you feel more anxious.

Children are also often triangled into their parents’ relationship, particularly babies, who suddenly change the parents’ lives in a big way and create unexpected stress. Kids “interfere” in a triangle by allowing the couple to focus on the child rather than each other. This is not good for the child or the couple.

A friend of yours or your partner may be triangled in to your relationship as a 3rd party, once one of you confides in her about the marital problems. This may temporarily help one of you, but it is best to not allow a triangle to happen in the first place. You should attempt with your partner to work to resolve the issue without the 3rd party.  This will decrease that person’s influence and will be better for everyone.

Triangles are always present in some minor form but are more apparent at times of stress. Their purpose is to relieve tension in someone and “give” it to another person. There may be than one third party, which then forms a separate triangle. A good strategy for the 3rd party (which may be you) is to try to remain neutral and not take on someone else’s stress. The more you are drawn into the emotions in the triangle the more you will be affected by it. Do not take sides if you are triangled in! Try to remove yourself and be as neutral and as unemotional as you can.  Therapists are often the 3rd party in the triangle of the couple and remain neutral to help the relationship problem.  

Cheating in a couple paradoxically can sometimes temporarily help a relationship, by giving stress to the 3rd person and reducing it in the couple. For example, the harmed party in the couple may ignore the affair because it reduces tension in the couple. But this “fix” rarely lasts and not helpful in working towards a healthier marriage. A solid marriage foundation should be built on trust, honesty and a commitment to each other.

So, beware of triangles. You may not notice them and not realize that you facilitated creating them. Try and remember that your relationship is between you and your partner, and nobody else.

Becker Counseling is available to help sort through these types of triangles.  Visit www.beckercounseling.com or call us at 732.406.4422.

Were you too busy in 2016 to do the things that are important to you? Do you need help with your relationships? Are you unhappy? Do you need direction in your life?

Now that 2017 is here, you can put the holidays behind you and focus on yourself, your partner, friends or family. Maybe you were too busy in November or December to call a therapist, but now is the best time to start fresh. Things are calmer in your life, most likely, and maybe you have reflected on your life recently and found you were not as happy as you would like.

Many aspects of your life may be troubling you, such as a dysfunctional relationship, cut-off family members, excessive worrying, depressed thoughts, loss of friendships or drinking too much. All of these can be helped in therapy.

The beginning of a new year is like a rebirth and a new beginning. It’s a symbolic ending of a stage of your life. Whether you make New Year’s resolutions or not, you may feel the hope and possibilities of a better life around the corner, but only if you take action!

A therapist can help you right away with your problems and your mood. You may just need a new way of looking at your life, from a professional’s point of view. Counseling will help you re-imagine your life and make the decisions you have been putting off or were afraid to make. It can also help you look at your relationships and take positive steps to fix them. Change is difficult but you can start the process now!

Call Becker Counseling at 732-406-4422.

Read more at https://www.beckercounseling.com/blog/

Should you go to marriage counseling alone?

No, not usually.

Going alone is not helpful for several reasons. First, the therapist needs to have both of you in the room to really counsel you both. Also there is the danger that the absent person will feel alienated or unfairly treated by the counselor if she is not there.  An alliance with the therapist may be created that will then harm the counseling process when your wife or husband does attend.

But there are times when individual therapy is appropriate and a few sessions by yourself with the counselor may be necessary. For instance, you may want to discuss a painful childhood incident that no one knows about, which may be relevant to your current relationship problems.  Or you need to disclose an infidelity incident to a neutral party and you need help planning how to tell your partner.  This is best done alone. Maybe you are at the “point of no return” and have decided to file for divorce.  Therapy will help you navigate this painful processes.

Maybe your partner is ambivalent about coming to counseling. The counselor can work with you to help her see the benefit of coming in.  The counselor can also reach out to your partner on your behalf to convince him or her that therapy is needed.  Possibly, your spouse has a drug or alcohol problem and you need help getting her into treatment before marriage therapy can begin. Therapists can typically help you with this. Your partner may be physically abusive to you or your kids. Again, treatment for them is necessary as soon as possible. Marriage therapy must wait until all parties in your family are safe.

Therapy, in general, can be beneficial for lots of people and lots of situations. However, when it comes to working on your marriage, it is best to work on it TOGETHER. We can help. Call us today at 732.406.4422

Please visit www.beckercounseling.com for more information.