Surfing and Relationships

Recently, on a weeklong surfing trip with my family, I was waiting on my board in the water and had a thought about some important concepts that we should all pay attention to in our personal relationships. Surfing gives you many opportunities to sit on your board and think. I realized that the repetitive waves are similar to our many interactions with the people in our lives.

First is the idea that every wave, or interaction, is not perfect or predictable. Such is the nature of our interactions with the people that we care about. There are many of these moments and some will be great and make you feel good about yourself. Many of your conversations or interactions will be not be so great and may leave you questioning yourself a bit and your skills as a friend, lover, etc. Waves are also unpredictable like that. All you can do is try to do the best you can to make that interaction better next time. Keep in mind that there are infinitely more opportunities, like waves, that will present themselves.

Second is the concept that interactions, like waves, are varied and hard to predict. They may be minor and easy to weather or more powerful and meaningful over time. Those big and important conversations you have with a friend or partner often can turn anxiety-filled or unmanageable, if you have an issue that has not been resolved with the other party or within yourself. It is best to focus on the moment and calm yourself down. Rely on your skills and experience to get through the chaos. Surfing is like that also.

Lastly, remember to really focus on mainly the big interactions, or waves, that come along, since these can cause much happiness or do much damage, and you need to be prepared. Conversely, many small interactions can turn out to be good for you and should also be addressed to the best of your abilities. What may look like an insignificant interaction could turn out to be very meaningful for you. Waves are like interactions, remember?

As in interpersonal relationships, it is hard to see too far out in the ocean, or the future, so try to focus on the interaction, or wave, in front of you. No telling when the big and meaningful one will come along.

Spring Cleaning - time to clean out "your issues"?

Now that its warmer outside, and people start cleaning their homes, it’s a good time to clean out your own “stuff”. Your issues. Maybe you’re still struggling with the same stuff you had after the last time you cleaned. Have you tried but not succeeded in throwing out or changing the stuff that burdens you? It’s not old clothes that are the problem.

Take stock of what you like and don’t like about yourself and your life. Make an honest and critical assessment of this stuff and decide what you really need to work on. What stuff holds value for you? What stuff is really not crucial and can be gotten rid of?

As they say, “don’t sweat the small stuff”. But it’s actually NOT all small stuff. Focus on the big stuff! The important things. Look objectively at those difficult challenges and decide if they are actually meaningful and important.

Some stuff may be out of your control. Accept that stuff, learn to live with it, and move on with your life. Look ahead, not back.

How many of those stuff-related problems are YOU causing? Own that stuff and do something about it. Don’t blame others for your own actions. Take responsibility.

How much stuff is from other people? Maybe you should move on from those stuff-creators. Or address that in counseling. Maybe confront that person directly. Whatever works for you.

This stuff will not clean itself up. Inaction is your enemy. Get help if you need it. You can do it, but do it now. Clean out your stuff!

Becker Counseling is here if you want to start cleaning out your stuff.  Call us at 732.406.4422.

“Keyboard Muscles”

Ever typed something you wish you hadn’t? Have you posted anything online you later regretted? Have your online posts hurt you in any way? Has it caused a problem with a friend or family member? It certainly affected my online presence for quite a while.

Social media usage during the recent presidential campaign is a good example of poor online behavior. Opinions online were more strongly worded, hateful talk was common and people were extremely polarized. Of course, President Trump seemed to bring out the worst in people, no matter their party affiliation or political beliefs. Many of us looked forward to the end of the race, regardless of who won.

Facebook especially was a very negative place and I stopped looking at it after a few months of others displaying their anger and extreme negativity. Many of their messages on social media were surprisingly dramatic and full of bad vibes. It seems to me that many of them had not considered carefully what they wrote. Some of my friends’ online presence was different from the real-life people I know. I was disappointed at times when the online and actual personas were not so alike.

It is OK to have an opinion, but remember that it looks much different online. People you know will probably not tell you when you look foolish, but a strong opinion of negativity or hate may be remembered a long time. You may feel powerful in a detached way, but it can backfire. Beware of your online postings!

Check out my website at https://www.beckercounseling.com/.