Why Are the Holidays Not So Much Fun?

Now that Thanksgiving is behind us, we can focus on Christmas and Hanukkah!   But that’s not so exciting for many of us.

Yes, the holidays mean time with family, giving presents, celebrating with friends and great food. But they can also bring stress, anxiety, sadness, money issues, difficult memories and alcohol abuse.

There are many nice experiences to be had, for sure, but also difficult times for many people, possibly you. As a result, many people come in for therapy during the holidays and every January therapists are busy with new phone calls.

I hear people complain of missing someone who is not present; the uncle who drinks too much at family dinners; stress about crowded and rushed shopping; dreaded car and plane travel to see relatives; January credit card balance problems; over-commercialization of the holidays; longing for people we love and miss; and reminiscing about past happier holidays. No wonder some of us do not look forward to December!  

How can you and your family cope with all of this? Counseling is a great option! Alcohol (which is a mood depressant) is not. Sticking to a financial budget will help; shopping for presents for yourself rather than others will probably not. Eating a lot of unhealthy food will not help. Exercise -even just walking- would be great!

Trying to live up to your family’s expectations is often a recipe for uncomfortable visits, difficult mealtimes, excessive gift-giving, spending to relieve guilt, and drinking too much.  Old disagreements and slights may rise to the surface every time you are together. Past drama and poor relationships can color our time together.  People may drink too much and anger us with their words or actions.

So, exploring these stressful but uncomfortable topics would be good for you. But you should take the first step and call Becker Counseling at 732.406.4422!

REAL MEN GO TO COUNSELING

REAL MEAN GO TO COUNSELING

If you missed it, rocker Bruce Springsteen just disclosed in his new autobiography that he has gone to therapy during down periods in his life and wrote that it was very helpful.  He complained of depression, anxiety and self-doubt, even during the most successful parts of his career. It was a rare statement by a celebrity/public figure and reminded me that many of us men are afraid to admit that we need help and are often fearful of going to therapy. I’m here to tell you it’s ok – I get it. But there is no need to be afraid or ashamed. It doesn’t make you less of a man.

Many men will not seek out a therapist and often only do so when pressured by the female in their life.  Sometimes a doctor will advise it or the legal system may mandate it.  But overwhelmingly, I find that a female was usually involved in the decision to seek out a counselor for personal or relationship problems.  Men are often responding to ultimatums and “threats” by their partners when they call to arrange an appointment.  Male clients have told me that they think that talking about feelings is a sign of weakness. They worry that medications will be “forced” on them. Or, if they take the medications, the side effects will make them “less of a man”. I suppose fear of medication exists for both men and women. But it seems to really discourage a man from seeking counseling altogether.

We males have long been conditioned (by other men) to believe that expressing feelings is not manly or acceptable.  Traditionally, sports and coaches have reinforced this belief as well.  For most generations, young boys have been taught to never cry and to “suck it up” or “be a man”.  We need to come together and cultivate a society that recognizes that it’s not about being a man or a woman. WE ARE ALL HUMAN. Much like how we’re trying to break the stereotype of saying “like a girl” and considering it an insult – i.e. cry like a girl, hit like a girl, etc. As a society, we still have a lot of work to do.

To add to our skewed view, since the therapy movement began in the 1950’s, most therapists have been women and counseling was a traditionally female solution to problems.  Men were mostly ignored in advertising by therapists and drug companies.  Interestingly, many of modern therapy’s schools of thought were developed by men and most psychiatrists in the past were males.  But patients were usually women, who were expected by society to be the emotional ones.

Today, men will not use medications they often need for depression as reliably as women and their suicide rates reflect this.  Another issue men have is TRUST – they worry that their innermost thoughts and fears will be disclosed to others by their therapist.  This is far from the truth.  Confidentiality is an important concept in therapy but is not always understood by clients.  You should know that your identity and everything discussed with your counselor is protected by federal law. The only exception to this is a reported danger to yourself, others or children.

Thankfully, in recent years we have made some strides. Male attendance at counseling sessions has been steadily growing and this trend is encouraging. Seeking counseling is a sign of strength, not weakness. Taking care of yourself will have a cumulative effect on the people around you. When you take of yourself, you can then take care of your relationships and family. It’s all connected.
If you seek counseling, please reach out. Call, text or contact Becker Counseling today at 732-406-4422 and bob@beckercounseling.com

Putting your spouse first isn't selfish. It's necessary.

You and your family all care about each other and your children are treated well, right?  But are there differing amounts of giving going around?  Do the kids get more of your attention than you give each other?    

You as parents may be tempted to make the children a priority, but in the end, your romantic relationship must be solid and caring before all else. This is hard to work at, especially when children are young. If you have a packed to-do list, great stress and resentment can occur if your own needs are not met. This is very common in marriages. Couples tend to forget that it all started with just the two of you, before children.

Try to remember, when kids see that you are happy, that will be a positive model for them to follow when they are in their own serious relationships. This alone,may give you motivation to work at it. Your children will learn how to be in a marriage, good or bad, by watching the adults in their lives navigate together.

Role modeling also applies to violence, drinking and verbal abuse.  If those are tolerated or excused, a damaging pattern is set up for future relationships. A child who has witnessed abuse of any kind towards one spouse by another is more likely to repeat these behaviors.

You should nurture your relationship with your spouse, not only for the two of you – but also to be cognizant that your kids are more likely to re-create what they have grown up observing.  You can show your kids that they can be happy in a committed relationship. They will follow your lead in life.

Counseling can be a great way to help reboot your relationship or address any negative damaging behaviors. It’s a place for you to work at things without the kids distracting you. We can help. Call Becker Counseling at 732-406-4422 today or visit our website at www.beckercounseling.com.

Why does therapy have such a stigma?

If you have been hesitant to go to counseling, this article may change your mind.

https://www.beckercounseling.com/why-does-therapy-have-such-a-stigma-counseling-stigma/

Raising teens can be tough on a marriage.

https://www.beckercounseling.com/raising-teens-can-be-tough-on-marriage/

Tech Addiction – is your loved one addicted to the internet?

https://www.beckercounseling.com/tech-addiction-is-your-loved-on-addited-to-the-internet/

Is Financial Stress Ruining Your Family?

https://www.beckercounseling.com/brielle-monmouth-county-financial-stress-family-counseling/

Grieving

https://www.beckercounseling.com/grieving/

Divorce can be a stressful time in life.

https://www.beckercounseling.com/divorce-stress-stressful-time/